Bluddy Medicals

Here Boaby! Theres a letter here fur yea! Shouted Ella

A Letter fur me? ...Wha's writin tae me? Asked Boaby

A Broon Envelope! ... It's the Bluddy Social. Said Ella.

Och! Whit dae they want Noo? Said Boaby ripping open the Envelope. Ach Naw! I've tae go and see them ...12 o'clock the day. said Boaby. Mair Bluddy Questions aboot my Dole I suppose.

Well whit ever it is Yea better get it sorted, Cause we cannae live withoot yer Dole money. Said Ella with a worried look on her face.

AYE! I'll soon sort them oot! ... Infact I'm away doon there the Noo!

Boaby grabbed his Jacket and Bunnet, And walked the quarter of a Mile down to the Local Benefits office.

At the Reception, Boaby was handed a Numbered ticket and told to take a seat in the waiting room ...Until his number was called.

ONE FOUR SEVEN ..shouted a female voice.

Boaby checked his ticket (147) and made his way into the Small booth.

SIT! said the grossly overweight Woman

NAME?

Eh! Boaby Williamson

Oh AYE ..she said and for the first time looked a Boaby.

Yea sent me this letter! ...Whits the Problem? asked Boaby

YOU!

Me? ...How dae yea mean.

YOU and the fact that yer no workin!

I cannae work cause of an Industrial Injury ... claimed Boaby

INDUSTRIAL BLOODY INJURY?

AYE! said Boaby defensivly

I Don't think that fallin aff yer Bike ...When you were a 14 Year old Paperboy Counts as an INDUSTRIAL INJURY

But I hurt masel pretty bad! Said Boaby

Maybe so! said the Clerkess But that was THIRTY Years ago, I would huv thought yer Sprained Ankle wid be a bit better Noo.

Aye it is ...said Boaby. But it no that, yea see I lost my Confidence because oh the accident, CHRIST I huv nae been on a Bike Since.

Dae yea no think that at your age yea should be lookin fur another joab apart from a Paperboy?

Whit and waste all that Training. said a stunned Boaby

RIGHT! Yer jist wastin my Time here. said the Fat woman.Lets get yea medically Examined and we'll see whit the Doctor says aboot yer capabilities Fur Workin.

Examination .... Me! asked Boaby

AYE! And if the Doctor passes yea fit fur work, Am stopping yer Money until yea get a Joab.

10.30 the Morra Mornin at the medical Centre. She said handing Boaby a slip of Paper

Good Day!

It was a Stunned Boaby that walked out of the Benefit office and back Home.

A Medical? Said Ella. Christ were in the shit noo. I've telt yea fur Years that yer as fit as a fiddle ...Whit will become of us?

Boaby and Ella had a rather sleepless night worrying about the Medical.

Both were up Early and Boaby prepared for his Medical.

Huv yea clean pants oan Boaby? shouted Ella.

Whits the bluddy Point when am Crappin masel. Said Boaby

Maybe I'll get lucky and get run doon by a Bus on my way there.

Ach! Cheer up Boaby, Maybe it'll so be to bad. Said Ella trying to cheer up the Wee Man.

Aye! Well I'm off noo. Said Boaby

Good Luck! Shouted Ella

A Glum and Worried Boaby tramped the Streets of Glasgae until he Arrived at the Medical Centre.

Boaby entered the Building and handed the Letter to the Security Officer.

5th Floor Pal ... The Lifts are over there. He said handing the Letter back to Boaby.

Gie that tae the Receptionest at the desk there.

Boaby entered the Lift ..The Door being held open for him by a Man in a smart Suit, Another man in dirty jeans stood at the back of the lift with a tired expression on his face.

Almost as soon as Boaby entered the lift the doors closed and it set off.

CLUNK! the lift stopped, The Doors opened and the Gent with the Suit left.

Whit Flairs this Pal? ...Said the guy in the Jeans.

Dunno! said Boaby sticking his head out of the Lift to see what floor they were on.

CLUNK! The Lift doors slammed shut, Trapping Boaby by the Head

ARRRRGGGGGH! Screamed Boaby as the heavy metal doors squeezed the side of his head, Before opening again.

Boaby Staggered back into the Lift, Both ears red and Swollen.

Christ that looked sair! said the Jeans Man.

Don't know what Flair it was... said Boaby... Unable to hear properly because of the loud Ringing in his Ears.

The Lift stopped Again and when the Door opened there was a big Sign saying

5th Floor Medical Services

Thats me thought Boaby ...Leaving the lift and joining the Line of people waiting at the Reception Desk.

When Boabys turn came his hearing was still impared, He pushed the letter through the small slot in the glass screen that ran from the desk to the Ceiling.

The Man behind the Reception Desk Read Boaby's letter and said.

Take a seat.

Whit? I cannae hear yea ...Shouted Boaby

TAK A SEAT

LIFT MA FEET ...asked Boaby

NAW!.. TAK A BLUDDY SEAT

No Use! Said Boaby shaking his head.

Boaby stood on tiptoe and pressed his ear to the Little Holes in the Glass screen. To steady himself he gripped the Counter, Not noticing that his right hand was at the open bit were the Counter flap should have been.

WHIT? Shouted Boaby.

Just them a small office girl breezed into the Reception "Flicking" the Counter flap back down as she Passed.

This heavy block of solid wood crashed down and crushed Boaby's Right hand.

THUNK! .........YEEEEEEEE....ARRRRGGGHHHHH.

Screamed Boaby. Gripping his Injured hand and dancing about the Area in mortal Agony.

The Male Receptionist came from behind the Counter.

Yer alright Pal. he said and Gently taking Boaby by the Arm led him to an Orange Chair in the Waiting Room.

Boaby his eyes streaming Tears from the Agony he was in allowed himself to be led.

Jist sit there until yer shouted. said the Receptionist, Giving Boaby a gentle push Backwards.

Boaby, Still nursing his Injured hand, and unable to hear anything felt himself falling backward into the Cushion of the Orange Chair.

TWANG ....TWING....POING

As Boabys arse hit the Cushion the rubber retaining straps under the Chair gave way.

Boaby's arse plunneted towards the floor and his little legs headed Skywards.

SHLAP!

Boaby's Buttocks hit the floor and his legs and arms pointed to the ceiling ...Leaving him with a badly bruised back and firmly stuck in the chair.

Two other Patients rushed up and tried to Pull Boaby out of the chair, But the Wee man was firmly stuck.

Its nae use we canna move him said one to the Other

WATCH OOT!

Said Bernie Butterbean ...So named because the ex- wrestler's 25 stone frame was a rounded shape enhanced by his lack of a neck and large shaven head.

LEAVE THIS TAE ME said Butterbean.

With one hand he turned Boaby and the chair over until it was lying on its side.

NOO HOLD THE CHAIR he said to the other two.

Butter Bean took two steps back

Then unleashed a Mighty KICK at Boaby's ARSE

Boaby flew out of the chair like a cork out of a bottle, and rolled accross the Waiting room floor, Only stopping when he cracked his head against the Coffee Vending Machine.

Butterbean picked up Boaby ....Dazed, Deaf, Nursing a crushed right hand, Bruised Buttocks and bent Double because of the Back Injury, And sat him in another Chair.

A White clad Nurse appeared through a Door

Boaby Williamson ....Room 5 please.

Boaby unable to focus his eyes or hear properly just sat in the chair.

BOABY WILLIAMSON ....ROOM 5 PLEASE

The receptionist realising that Boaby couldn't hear properly, Moved around and slapped Boaby on the back of the head with his clipboard

That's You pal, He said.

Then to the Nurse THAT HIM THERE.

The Nurse grabbed Boaby by the Arm and pulled him through the DOOR and into Room 5.
Good Morning! Said the Doctor extending his right hand in welcome.

I'm Doctor Mackenzie

The Dazed Boaby responed without thought and place his hand in the Doctors.

ARRRRRGGGHHHH ...Screamed Boaby as the Doctor closed his hand around Boaby's injured fingers.

JEEZ OH! Said the Doctor as Boaby crumpled into a heap on the floor.

Are you alright There? Said the Doctor helping Boaby to his feet.

AYE! Its a hard flair. Said Boaby still having difficulty with his Hearing.

WHIT?

Theres no need tae Swear! Said Boaby, Looking disaprovingly at the Doctor

Mmm! Do you have a problem with your EARS

NO! I've not had a few BEERS said Boaby.

Mmm! Said the Doctor, Checking Boabys Ears, The're badly inflamed, I'll give you some cream for them.

Now lets check the Rest of you out.

Can you touch your Toes?

Aye said Boaby placing a finger on his Nose.

30 Minutes later the Doctor sat at his desk shaking his head in desperation.

Well Doctor can you find anything wrong with me? asked Boaby.

The Doctor looked up at Boaby with Tear stained Eyes.

I Can't find anything right with you.

Your, Deaf,daft and a cripple! And I can't take anymore. Sobbed the Doctor.

Just go home and Die will you, Please never enter my surgery again.

Bit whit aboot the Social. Asked BoabyAm I fit fur work?

YOU! ...Your not even fit for the bloody bin.

Here take this Letter to the Social Your exempt from Work.

This is no a letter! Said Boaby

This is a "Sick line" for Nervous Depression.

Oh!.... Thats mine. said the Doctor, Here's yours

Now GO

A Bruised and battered Boaby entered the House.

How did yea get oan Boaby asked a worried Ella

Jist fine Babe! The Doctor says I'm unfit fur work, Look he even gave me a letter.

I've jist been at the Social and Guess whit? We'll get even more money now, Apparently I'm gettin disability Money as well.

Whit fur? Asked Ella

Apparently the Doctor discovered I'm Mentally retarded.

Mmm said Ella Yeah didnae need a Doctor tae tell yea that!

Wee Boaby

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